Friday, March 31, 2006

Filthy Parrot

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it's an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F .... me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un f...king
believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.
"F...king incredible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old
bloody clients .... How ya doing, Dave?"

What the F...!!

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Crazy 90s!!

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it.

Tom and Fred out Camping

Tom and Fred were out camping and had been snoozing peacefully for a few hours... Then in the darkness each awoke with a start. The unmistakable snuffling and scratching of a bear outside the tent brought them wide awake in an instant.

Fred, a bit a zoologist knew that bears were incredibly fast runners, and so was surprised to see Tom rapidly lacing up his boots.
"Tom, you know you can't out run a bear!"
"Forget the bear, Fred. I just need to out-run you!"

80 Year Old Man

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling
"I've never been better!" he replies.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,
"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bussh in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief,
"Someone else must have shot that beaver".


Double martini on the rocks

Mark enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you keep looking inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife..... When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Overwork Test

This is a simple test to find out if its time for you to take a break...
This test was designed to check how much you overwork

Click on the button below - if you see two dolphins then you're Ok.
[Click Here]

Airplane Delay

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.
"It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

La Concord

Did you hear that one of the concorde pilots asked the other if he was going straight home after his shift?
He said no, he was just going to crash at the hotel.

Affluent German tourists choose to fly concorde.
They wouldn't be seen dead in anything else.

How do you fit 100 Germans into a small french hotel?
On concorde.

Air France have just introduced a new express service for their premium travellers which guarantees you can be off your plane and into your hotel in two minutes.

Why is concorde such good value for money?
You get the hotel thrown in.

Monday, March 13, 2006


After digging to a depth of 100m last year, German scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the British newspapers read: "British scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Germans."

One week later, the French press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, French scientists have found absolutely nothing. The government has concluded that, 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft problems."

Friday, March 10, 2006

When "Oh Sh-t" is considered appropriate!!

Season Pass

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"
A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Job Aplikent

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.