Thursday, July 06, 2006

Doctrines and Political movements Explained

You have two cows. You keep one, but must give the other to your neighbor.

You have two cows. The government takes both and provides you with milk.
You must stand in line to get it.

You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes them, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

You have two cows. The government takes both, then shoots you.

You have two cows. Because of the rising cost of hay, You are forced give up both to the guy with four cows in return for one bull.

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your own government.

You have two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

California, US:
You have two cows. The state tells you how to milk your cows, when to milk your cows, how much to milk your cows and the most that you can charge for the milk. You go broke and sell the cows. The state calls you greedy and blames you for the current milk shortage.

Health & Fitness...the facts

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must be out of your mind! Get a grasp on logistical efficiencies for a moment: What does a cow eat? Hay and Corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So you see, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. And if you need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (good ole green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Hell No! What the heck for? Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, while Scotch is superior Brandy. Literally, this means they go through the trouble of taking the water out of the fruity bit, so you can get even more of the goodness. Way to go, don't you think?. Even Beer is made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, or worse NOT THINKING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In some quarters these are richly permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: In your case, definitely not! Let me explain; when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. that means you should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Look around you there's bound to be one "fit" buddy.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good factor around,... well, apart from the odd Scotch! Ask any lady if you have nothing better to do.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: You've got to be kidding me. Good for your figure?.... Explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Depends what lifestyle you're on about. But Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Hopefully this should clear up any misgivings you may have had regarding real food and especially dodgy dieting initiatives.

Remember, the purpose of life is to enjoy it, and enjoy it Big Time if you can afford it. Life is a journey, but I dare to add that it shouldn't be a journey to the ultimate end with the intention of arriving safely in a healthy attractive and well preserved body. - You could try if you have nothing more interesting to do. Chances are, you'd achieve neither. But if at all, may be a semi-healthy body is the nearest you'd manage. AND FOR WHAT?...
Anyway, life should rather be a journey that ends with you skidding in sideways - Chardonnay/Scotch in one hand - strawberries/Cigar in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - "WOO HOO! What a Ride!"