Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

  • Indubitably
  • Innovative
  • Preliminary
  • Proliferation
  • Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

  • Specificity
  • British Constitution
  • Passive-aggressive disorder
  • Loquacious Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

  • Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
  • Nope, no more booze for me
  • Sorry, but you're not really my type
  • Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
  • Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Monday, January 30, 2006

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown


GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

....and when we have real trouble, it's a.....


Restaurant in London

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage."

The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian said, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

New Cell Phone Law

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2006 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to CircuitCity and they wanted $50 for a headset with a boom microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.
These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then were tried with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Click here to see a photo! and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who may want one!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Yet some more Communication problems

These are extracts of letters sent to landlords....
You know what they're like (landlords, that is). Imagine what they would make of these.

"The man next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

"The toilet seat is cracked: Where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from wall."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."

"Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much."

"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Communication Problem

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Communication: A key factor

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers.After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.
(P - The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S - The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!

P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed


The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the EU rather than German which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would be known as

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k".
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have
1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
"f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should
go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps
such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten
styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Lady with $20.00 bills in garbage bag

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A Blonde Passes a Geometry Test

To the citizens of the United Kingdom

The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times. (In reply to this message )


To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America.

Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. And as for Lye-cester... You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

  2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

  3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

  4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

  5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

  6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

  7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

  8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

  9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

  10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

  11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children with surnames or after interesting medical conditions.

  12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the entire population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

  13. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

To the citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

  2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

  3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

  4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

  5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

  6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

  7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for sh1t.

  8. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

  10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  11. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

  12. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

  13. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

  14. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

  15. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

  16. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

      Monday, January 23, 2006

      M E M O R A N D U M

      Dear Staff,

      It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

      If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

      If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore, you do not need a raise.

      Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
      They are called Saturday & Sunday.

      Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

      SICK DAYS:
      We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

      Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an Alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will Open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

      As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

      Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive, employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

      Have a nice week!


      How to gain points from your Woman

      The Demerit Point System explained

      In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
      Make the woman happy.
      Do something she likes, and you get points.
      Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
      You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

      The guide to the points system.

      You make the bed ..........................+1
      You make the bed, but forget to add the
      decorative pillows..........................0
      You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.........-1

      You leave the toilet seat up...............-5
      You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty....0
      When the toilet paper roll is barren, you
      resort to Kleenex..........................-1
      When the Kleenex runs out you use the
      next bathroom..............................-2

      You go out to buy her extra-light panty
      liners with wings..........................+5
      In the snow................................+8
      But return with beer.......................-5
      And no liners.............................-25

      You check out a suspicious noise at night............0
      You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing...0
      You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..................................+5
      You pummel it with a six iron.............+10
      It's her cat..............................-40

      AT A PARTY:
      You stay by her side the entire party........0
      You stay by her side for a while, then leave to
      chat with a College drinking buddy..........-2
      Named Tiffany...............................-4
      Tiffany is a dancer.........................-6
      With breast implants.......................-18

      You take her out to dinner...................0
      You take her out to dinner and it's not a
      sports bar..................................+1
      Okay, it is a sports bar....................-2
      And it's all-you-can-eat night(as in buffet)........-3
      It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
      and your face is painted the colours of your
      favourite team.............................-10

      Go with a pal...............................+5
      The pal is happily married..................+4
      Or frighteningly single.....................-7
      And he drives a Ferrari....................-10
      With a personalised license plate (SUK1T)..........-15

      You take her to a movie.....................+2
      You take her to a movie she likes...........+4
      You take her to a movie you hate............+6
      You take her to a movie you like............-2
      It's called Death Cop 3.....................-3
      Which features Cyborgs that eat humans......-9
      You lied and said it was a foreign film
      about orphans..............................-15

      You develop a noticeable pot belly.........-15
      You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise
      to get rid of it...........................+10
      You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to
      loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts......-30
      You say, "It doesn't matter,
      she has one too.".........................-800

      She asks, "Do I look fat?"
      You hesitate in responding.................-10
      You reply, "Where?"........................-35
      Any other response.........................-20

      When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen,
      displaying a concerned expression............0
      You listen, for over 30 minutes.............+5
      You listen for more than 30 minutes without
      looking at the TV.........................+100
      She realises this is because you have
      fallen asleep.............................-200

      Friday, January 20, 2006

      Top 10 - Out of Office Auto Replies (Actually 8)

      You know when you're out of the office and you set your email auto reply toautomatically let people know that you're not there, ...well, when you dothat, how about using one of these:
      1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail toget the position. Be prepared for my mood.

      2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

      3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send meuntil I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail willbe deleted in the order it was received.

      4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for thefirst ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

      5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and isunable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

        '(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how manyin-duh-viduals did this over and over).

      6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system...You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 19 weeks.

      7. I've run away to join a different circus.


      8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons..When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.