Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads

40-ish ........................ 52

Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.

Athletic ...................... No breasts

Average looking .......... Moooo.

Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure ... On medication.

Feminist .................... Fat

Free spirit .................. Junkie

Friendship first .......... Former slut.

New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.

Open-minded ............. Desperate

Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional .............. Bitch

Voluptuous ................ Very Fat

Big frame ............... Hugely Fat

Wants soul mate ....... Stalker


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

Global Warming

Time to Log off

Hurricane Survival Kit

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser...........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check

Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on...check

Next time let's all be more prepared...check

1 - Liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
   
   
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
   
   
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
   
   
4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash
   
   
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
   
   
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent
   
   
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
   
   
8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it
   
   
9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
   
   
10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
    
    
11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
    
    
12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
    
    
13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
    
    
14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
    
    
15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
    
    
16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
    
    
17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
    
    
18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
    
    
19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
    
    
20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
    
    
21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
    
    
22. Don't waste your time convincing others. Your friends won't care and your enemies won't believe you.
    
    
23. It is better to stay quiet and be thought of as a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubts
    
    

How to understand beer symptoms

Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Quotes by Men on Marriage

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then
God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-laws.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
~~~~~~~~~~~
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy(calmly): "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all!
~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

Sports & Balls

ANALYSIS
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is
BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is
BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is
FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is
CRICKET.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is
TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is
GOLF.

CONCLUSION
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Cultural Influences

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred -

• One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman
  
  
• The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois
  
  
• The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
  
  
• The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
  
  
• The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
  
  
• The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming
  
  
• The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions
  
  
• The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores
  
  
• The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining
  
  
• The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least they're certain the English aren't having any fun