UP - The two-letter (most confusing) word

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand
It's easy to understand It's easy to understand It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come
At a meeting, why does a topic come At a meeting, why does a topic come At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We callUP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has a really special meaning. People stir
At other times, this little word has a really special meaning. People stir At other times, this little word has a really special meaning. People stir At other times, this little word has a really special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special..

And this
And this And this And this UP is confusing: A drain must be openedUP because it is blocked UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close itUP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP aboutUP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are
If you are If you are If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time isUP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?UP!
Did that one crack you UP?Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you lookUP in your address book . . . or not . . . it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut
Now I'll shut Now I'll shut UP!  

Doctor's Advice

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.



And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'




AND.....



For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.



1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



CONCLUSION



Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Best Company Photo Ever

Now this is funny



ref: Best Company Photo Ever

My Computer

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
installing firewalls,
and a host of other problems...

I have finally fixed my computer the way it should be...
and NOW it works EXACTLY the way I want it to...
Check out the picture link below.

my computer

...

New MS Word Urban Campaign

This is the latest from Microsoft to join in the ever growing world of Hip Hop.
Check out this MS Word:

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

The ultimate Christmas present

Randy Parrots

Never underestimate the power of prayer folks. Read on and enjoy...

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing"

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say..... Hi, we're prostitutes , D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to your problem .

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots both of whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead."

"Thank you" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and immediately the females said "Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?"

After a short moment of silence, One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims..

"Put the f ***ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"

Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover ()

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover ()

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.


Three Star Hangover ()

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
once.


Four Star Hangover ()

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your a$ is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five $hit$ you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover ( )

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop
fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is
suffocating you. Any attempt to take a
dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a
rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your a$. Death sounds pretty good about
right now...
*****

Now for an Oldie but a Goodie.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jacka$$.

Step Over This Line : I Dare You

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4, 363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!