Quotes on Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshh)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.( Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.(Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?( Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." (Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."( Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." (James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." (Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. (Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..(. Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.(Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." (Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Life Backwards

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

The International Rules of Manhood

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
   
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

   (a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
   (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
   (c) After wrecking your boss' car.
   (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
   
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
   
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
   
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
   forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
   
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
   
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
   
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
   
10. You may pass gas in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
    
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
    
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
    
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
    
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
    
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
    
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
    
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
    
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
    
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
    yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
    
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
    weights:

    (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    (b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    (c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
    i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other a situation,
    an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
    
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
    than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
    necessary.
    
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
    have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
    guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
    what a big mistake it was occurs.
    
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
    her to drive yours.
    
26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
    orange or sky blue.
    
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
    Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
    story.
    
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
    

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition
of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


We hope this clears up any confusion.


The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Women Again! (About Men)

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

A son's letter to Daddy..

A father passing by his son's bed room, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we would be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.


In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Derrick


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you!

At the Rodeo

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year.”
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."


NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.