The Daily Humorist

Doctor's Advice

2009-05-29T08:13:00.002-04:00

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Best Company Photo Ever

2007-10-02T16:36:00.001-04:00

Now this is funny

ref: Best Company Photo Ever

My Computer

2007-03-21T10:37:00.000-04:00

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
installing firewalls,
and a host of other problems...

I have finally fixed my computer the way it should be...
and NOW it works EXACTLY the way I want it to...
Check out the picture link below.

my computer

...

New MS Word Urban Campaign

2007-02-05T13:22:00.000-05:00

This is the latest from Microsoft to join in the ever growing world of Hip Hop.
Check out this MS Word:

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

2006-12-15T12:24:00.000-05:00

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

The ultimate Christmas present

2006-12-15T12:21:00.000-05:00

Randy Parrots

2006-12-15T12:18:00.000-05:00

Never underestimate the power of prayer folks. Read on and enjoy...

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing"

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say..... Hi, we're prostitutes , D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to your problem .

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots both of whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead."

"Thank you" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and immediately the females said "Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?"

After a short moment of silence, One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims..

"Put the f ***ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"

Five Levels of Hangovers

2006-11-02T12:48:00.000-05:00

One Star Hangover ()

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover ()

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.

Three Star Hangover ()

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
once.

Four Star Hangover ()

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your a$ is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five $hit$ you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover ( )

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop
fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is
suffocating you. Any attempt to take a
dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a
rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your a$. Death sounds pretty good about
right now...
*****

Now for an Oldie but a Goodie.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jacka$$.

Step Over This Line : I Dare You

2006-11-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

The Husband Store

2006-11-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4, 363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Marriage, Who Listens

2006-10-07T13:21:00.000-04:00

A Wish for All of the Difficult People in Your Life

2006-10-05T13:12:00.000-04:00

Guy facts CORRECTED

2006-09-23T15:29:00.000-04:00

When a guy calls you,
~~he wants to be with you.~~
he is idle (or he has been drinking)

when a guy is quiet,
~~he's listening to you...~~
he doesn't have anything to say because he was not paying attention

when a guy is not arguing,
~~he realizes he's wrong...~~
He just want's you to shut up!

when a guy says,"he's fine,"after a few minutes,
~~he means it...~~
He just want's you to shut up!

when a guy stares at you,
~~he thinks you're the most beautiful thing in the world...~~
He is thinking of an excuse to go hang out...

when you're laying your head on a guys chest,
~~he has the world...~~
He is thinking of a polite way to tell you to get up.

when a guy calls you everyday,
~~he is in love...~~
he is idle

when a (good) guy says he loves you,
~~he means it...~~
He just used up his last joker

when a guy says he can't live without you,
~~he's with you till your done...~~
he has just received news that his other girlfriend is pregnant

when a guy says, "i miss you,"
~~he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else...~~
I'm not sure what that means

Quotes on Marriage

2006-08-30T08:43:00.000-04:00

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshh)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.( Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.(Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?( Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." (Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."( Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." (James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." (Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. (Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..(. Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.(Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." (Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Life Backwards

2006-08-16T16:17:00.000-04:00

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

The International Rules of Manhood

2006-08-11T13:53:00.000-04:00

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
You may pass gas in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other a situation,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was occurs.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition
of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Women Again! (About Men)

2006-08-11T08:42:00.000-04:00

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

A son's letter to Daddy..

2006-08-02T11:26:00.000-04:00

A father passing by his son's bed room, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we would be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Derrick

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you!

At the Rodeo

2006-08-02T11:25:00.000-04:00

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year.”
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

Doctrines and Political movements Explained

2006-07-06T18:36:00.000-04:00

Socialism:
You have two cows. You keep one, but must give the other to your neighbor.

Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and provides you with milk.
You must stand in line to get it.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.

Bureaucracies:
You have two cows. The government takes them, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both, then shoots you.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. Because of the rising cost of hay, You are forced give up both to the guy with four cows in return for one bull.

Democracy:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your own government.

Corporation:
You have two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

California, US:
You have two cows. The state tells you how to milk your cows, when to milk your cows, how much to milk your cows and the most that you can charge for the milk. You go broke and sell the cows. The state calls you greedy and blames you for the current milk shortage.

Health & Fitness...the facts

2006-07-06T18:29:00.000-04:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must be out of your mind! Get a grasp on logistical efficiencies for a moment: What does a cow eat? Hay and Corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So you see, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. And if you need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (good ole green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Hell No! What the heck for? Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, while Scotch is superior Brandy. Literally, this means they go through the trouble of taking the water out of the fruity bit, so you can get even more of the goodness. Way to go, don't you think?. Even Beer is made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, or worse NOT THINKING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In some quarters these are richly permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: In your case, definitely not! Let me explain; when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. that means you should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Look around you there's bound to be one "fit" buddy.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good factor around,... well, apart from the odd Scotch! Ask any lady if you have nothing better to do.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: You've got to be kidding me. Good for your figure?.... Explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Depends what lifestyle you're on about. But Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Hopefully this should clear up any misgivings you may have had regarding real food and especially dodgy dieting initiatives.

Remember, the purpose of life is to enjoy it, and enjoy it Big Time if you can afford it. Life is a journey, but I dare to add that it shouldn't be a journey to the ultimate end with the intention of arriving safely in a healthy attractive and well preserved body. - You could try if you have nothing more interesting to do. Chances are, you'd achieve neither. But if at all, may be a semi-healthy body is the nearest you'd manage. AND FOR WHAT?...
Anyway, life should rather be a journey that ends with you skidding in sideways - Chardonnay/Scotch in one hand - strawberries/Cigar in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - "WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

M'nash

Women - as explained by Engineers

2006-06-29T13:48:00.000-04:00

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Five germans in a Quattro

2006-06-23T13:44:00.000-04:00

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.
He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

The Perfect Husband

2006-06-09T16:42:00.000-04:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

CORPORATE LESSONS

2006-06-09T08:10:00.000-04:00

5 Important Business Concepts

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A Single Reverend offered a lift to a Good-looking Single Church lady. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a very well turned leg. The Reverend nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he slowly laid his hand on her leg. The church lady said, "Reverend, remember Psalm 129?" His hand quickly fell away. As the ride continued, so did the temptation until once more he laid his hand on her leg and once again the church lady said, "Reverend, remember Psalm 129?" The Reverend apologized "I am so sorry that my flesh is so weak." Arriving back at the church, the church lady went on her way. As quickly as he could the reverend rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the r abbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. Along came a fox, who jumped on he rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree From there he was able to reach a higher branch until finally he was perched on the top branch of the tree. He could see for miles! Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

The Pastor's Donkey

2006-05-24T10:55:00.000-04:00

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the Local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the Paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day .... Morale of the story is .... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life . you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Who is the Leader of China?

2006-04-21T09:16:00.000-04:00

in the morning....
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's corr! ect.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the UN
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the UN?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the UN
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi pic! ks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.

What Starts with F and ends with K

2006-04-13T11:13:00.000-04:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Filthy Parrot

2006-03-31T09:30:00.000-05:00

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it's an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F .... me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un f...king
believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.
"F...king incredible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old
bloody clients .... How ya doing, Dave?"

What the F...!!

The Crazy 90s!!

2006-03-17T16:51:00.000-05:00

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it.

Tom and Fred out Camping

2006-03-17T16:48:00.000-05:00

Tom and Fred were out camping and had been snoozing peacefully for a few hours... Then in the darkness each awoke with a start. The unmistakable snuffling and scratching of a bear outside the tent brought them wide awake in an instant.

Fred, a bit a zoologist knew that bears were incredibly fast runners, and so was surprised to see Tom rapidly lacing up his boots.
"Tom, you know you can't out run a bear!"
"Forget the bear, Fred. I just need to out-run you!"

80 Year Old Man

2006-03-17T16:39:00.000-05:00

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling
"I've never been better!" he replies.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,
"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bussh in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief,
"Someone else must have shot that beaver".

"Exactly."

Double martini on the rocks

2006-03-17T16:29:00.000-05:00

Mark enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you keep looking inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife..... When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Overwork Test

2006-03-17T15:20:00.000-05:00

This is a simple test to find out if its time for you to take a break...
This test was designed to check how much you overwork

Click on the button below - if you see two dolphins then you're Ok.
[Click Here]

Airplane Delay

2006-03-17T15:06:00.000-05:00

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.
"It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

La Concord

2006-03-17T15:04:00.000-05:00

Did you hear that one of the concorde pilots asked the other if he was going straight home after his shift?
He said no, he was just going to crash at the hotel.

Affluent German tourists choose to fly concorde.
They wouldn't be seen dead in anything else.

How do you fit 100 Germans into a small french hotel?
On concorde.

Air France have just introduced a new express service for their premium travellers which guarantees you can be off your plane and into your hotel in two minutes.

Why is concorde such good value for money?
You get the hotel thrown in.

Telephones

2006-03-13T10:32:00.000-05:00

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, German scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the British newspapers read: "British scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Germans."

One week later, the French press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, French scientists have found absolutely nothing. The government has concluded that, 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft problems."

When "Oh Sh-t" is considered appropriate!!

2006-03-10T10:04:00.000-05:00

Season Pass

2006-03-10T09:06:00.000-05:00

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"
A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Job Aplikent

2006-03-02T09:32:00.000-05:00

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads

2006-02-22T12:47:00.000-05:00

40-ish ........................ 52

Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.

Athletic ...................... No breasts

Average looking .......... Moooo.

Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure ... On medication.

Feminist .................... Fat

Free spirit .................. Junkie

Friendship first .......... Former slut.

New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.

Open-minded ............. Desperate

Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional .............. Bitch

Voluptuous ................ Very Fat

Big frame ............... Hugely Fat

Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

Global Warming

2006-02-22T10:20:00.000-05:00

Time to Log off

2006-02-21T16:21:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Survival Kit

2006-02-11T14:14:00.000-05:00

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser...........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check

Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on...check

Next time let's all be more prepared...check

1 - Liners

2006-02-10T08:39:00.000-05:00

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
Don't waste your time convincing others. Your friends won't care and your enemies won't believe you.
It is better to stay quiet and be thought of as a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubts

How to understand beer symptoms

2006-02-09T22:01:00.000-05:00

Super Bowl

2006-02-07T11:12:00.000-05:00

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Quotes by Men on Marriage

2006-02-07T11:07:00.000-05:00

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then
God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-laws.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
~~~~~~~~~~~
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy(calmly): "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all!
~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

Sports & Balls

2006-02-04T18:35:00.000-05:00

ANALYSIS
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is
BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is
BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is
FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is
CRICKET.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is
TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is
GOLF.

CONCLUSION
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Cultural Influences

2006-02-01T08:08:00.000-05:00

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred -

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least they're certain the English aren't having any fun

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

2006-01-31T08:22:00.000-05:00

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

2006-01-30T08:44:00.000-05:00

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

....and when we have real trouble, it's a.....

HISterectomy

Restaurant in London

2006-01-30T08:24:00.000-05:00

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage."

The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian said, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

New Cell Phone Law

2006-01-30T08:16:00.000-05:00

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2006 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to CircuitCity and they wanted $50 for a headset with a boom microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.
These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then were tried with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Click here to see a photo! and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who may want one!

Yet some more Communication problems

2006-01-27T10:13:00.000-05:00

These are extracts of letters sent to landlords....
You know what they're like (landlords, that is). Imagine what they would make of these.

"The man next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

"The toilet seat is cracked: Where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from wall."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."

"Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much."

"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Communication Problem

2006-01-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Communication: A key factor

2006-01-27T10:06:00.000-05:00

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers.After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.
(P - The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S - The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.

P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!

P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.

P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed

A NEW ENGLISH LANGUAGE

2006-01-27T08:32:00.000-05:00

The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the EU rather than German which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase-in plan that would be known as
"Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k".
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have
1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
"f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should
go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps
such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten
styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

Lady with $20.00 bills in garbage bag

2006-01-26T14:00:00.000-05:00

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

A Blonde Passes a Geometry Test

2006-01-25T13:54:00.000-05:00

To the citizens of the United Kingdom

2006-01-25T08:12:00.000-05:00

The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times. (In reply to this message )

DECLARATION OF ANNEXATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AS PART OF THE USA

To the imperialist British colonizers.

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America.

Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. And as for Lye-cester... You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.
You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".
November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children with surnames or after interesting medical conditions.
You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the entire population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

To the citizens of the United States of America

2006-01-24T13:21:00.000-05:00

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for sh1t.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

M E M O R A N D U M

2006-01-23T08:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore, you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an Alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will Open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive, employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

MANAGEMENT

How to gain points from your Woman

2006-01-23T08:20:00.000-05:00

The Demerit Point System explained

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

The guide to the points system.

SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed ..........................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows..........................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.........-1

You leave the toilet seat up...............-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you
resort to Kleenex..........................-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the
next bathroom..............................-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty
liners with wings..........................+5
In the snow................................+8
But return with beer.......................-5
And no liners.............................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..................................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.............+10
It's her cat..............................-40

AT A PARTY:
You stay by her side the entire party........0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to
chat with a College drinking buddy..........-2
Named Tiffany...............................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.........................-6
With breast implants.......................-18

HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner...................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a
sports bar..................................+1
Okay, it is a sports bar....................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night(as in buffet)........-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colours of your
favourite team.............................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
Go with a pal...............................+5
The pal is happily married..................+4
Or frighteningly single.....................-7
And he drives a Ferrari....................-10
With a personalised license plate (SUK1T)..........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
You take her to a movie.....................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...........+4
You take her to a movie you hate............+6
You take her to a movie you like............-2
It's called Death Cop 3.....................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans......-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film
about orphans..............................-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable pot belly.........-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise
to get rid of it...........................+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to
loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts......-30
You say, "It doesn't matter,
she has one too.".........................-800

THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.................-10
You reply, "Where?"........................-35
Any other response.........................-20

COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen,
displaying a concerned expression............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.............+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without
looking at the TV.........................+100
She realises this is because you have
fallen asleep.............................-200

Top 10 - Out of Office Auto Replies (Actually 8)

2006-01-20T09:08:00.000-05:00

You know when you're out of the office and you set your email auto reply toautomatically let people know that you're not there, ...well, when you dothat, how about using one of these:

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail toget the position. Be prepared for my mood.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send meuntil I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail willbe deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for thefirst ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and isunable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how manyin-duh-viduals did this over and over).

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system...You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 19 weeks.

I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons..When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.