The Daily Humorist

Doctor's Advice

2009-05-29T08:13:00.002-04:00

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Best Company Photo Ever

2007-10-02T16:36:00.001-04:00

Now this is funny

ref: Best Company Photo Ever

My Computer

2007-03-21T10:37:00.000-04:00

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
installing firewalls,
and a host of other problems...

I have finally fixed my computer the way it should be...
and NOW it works EXACTLY the way I want it to...
Check out the picture link below.

my computer

...

New MS Word Urban Campaign

2007-02-05T13:22:00.000-05:00

This is the latest from Microsoft to join in the ever growing world of Hip Hop.
Check out this MS Word:

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

2006-12-15T12:24:00.000-05:00

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

The ultimate Christmas present

2006-12-15T12:21:00.000-05:00

Randy Parrots

2006-12-15T12:18:00.000-05:00

Never underestimate the power of prayer folks. Read on and enjoy...

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing"

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say..... Hi, we're prostitutes , D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to your problem .

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots both of whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead."

"Thank you" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and immediately the females said "Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?"

After a short moment of silence, One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims..

"Put the f ***ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"

Five Levels of Hangovers

2006-11-02T12:48:00.000-05:00

One Star Hangover ()

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover ()

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.

Three Star Hangover ()

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
once.

Four Star Hangover ()

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your a$ is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five $hit$ you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover ( )

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop
fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is
suffocating you. Any attempt to take a
dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a
rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your a$. Death sounds pretty good about
right now...
*****

Now for an Oldie but a Goodie.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jacka$$.

Step Over This Line : I Dare You

2006-11-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

The Husband Store

2006-11-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4, 363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Marriage, Who Listens

2006-10-07T13:21:00.000-04:00

A Wish for All of the Difficult People in Your Life

2006-10-05T13:12:00.000-04:00

Guy facts CORRECTED

2006-09-23T15:29:00.000-04:00

When a guy calls you,
~~he wants to be with you.~~
he is idle (or he has been drinking)

when a guy is quiet,
~~he's listening to you...~~
he doesn't have anything to say because he was not paying attention

when a guy is not arguing,
~~he realizes he's wrong...~~
He just want's you to shut up!

when a guy says,"he's fine,"after a few minutes,
~~he means it...~~
He just want's you to shut up!

when a guy stares at you,
~~he thinks you're the most beautiful thing in the world...~~
He is thinking of an excuse to go hang out...

when you're laying your head on a guys chest,
~~he has the world...~~
He is thinking of a polite way to tell you to get up.

when a guy calls you everyday,
~~he is in love...~~
he is idle

when a (good) guy says he loves you,
~~he means it...~~
He just used up his last joker

when a guy says he can't live without you,
~~he's with you till your done...~~
he has just received news that his other girlfriend is pregnant

when a guy says, "i miss you,"
~~he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else...~~
I'm not sure what that means

Quotes on Marriage

2006-08-30T08:43:00.000-04:00

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshh)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.( Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.(Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?( Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." (Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."( Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." (James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." (Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. (Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..(. Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.(Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." (Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Life Backwards

2006-08-16T16:17:00.000-04:00

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

The International Rules of Manhood

2006-08-11T13:53:00.000-04:00

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
You may pass gas in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other a situation,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was occurs.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition
of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Women Again! (About Men)

2006-08-11T08:42:00.000-04:00

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

A son's letter to Daddy..

2006-08-02T11:26:00.000-04:00

A father passing by his son's bed room, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we would be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Derrick

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you!

At the Rodeo

2006-08-02T11:25:00.000-04:00

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year.”
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

Doctrines and Political movements Explained

2006-07-06T18:36:00.000-04:00

Socialism:
You have two cows. You keep one, but must give the other to your neighbor.

Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and provides you with milk.
You must stand in line to get it.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.

Bureaucracies:
You have two cows. The government takes them, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both, then shoots you.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. Because of the rising cost of hay, You are forced give up both to the guy with four cows in return for one bull.

Democracy:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your own government.

Corporation:
You have two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

California, US:
You have two cows. The state tells you how to milk your cows, when to milk your cows, how much to milk your cows and the most that you can charge for the milk. You go broke and sell the cows. The state calls you greedy and blames you for the current milk shortage.

Health & Fitness...the facts

2006-07-06T18:29:00.000-04:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must be out of your mind! Get a grasp on logistical efficiencies for a moment: What does a cow eat? Hay and Corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So you see, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. And if you need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (good ole green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Hell No! What the heck for? Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, while Scotch is superior Brandy. Literally, this means they go through the trouble of taking the water out of the fruity bit, so you can get even more of the goodness. Way to go, don't you think?. Even Beer is made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, or worse NOT THINKING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In some quarters these are richly permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: In your case, definitely not! Let me explain; when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. that means you should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Look around you there's bound to be one "fit" buddy.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good factor around,... well, apart from the odd Scotch! Ask any lady if you have nothing better to do.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: You've got to be kidding me. Good for your figure?.... Explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Depends what lifestyle you're on about. But Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Hopefully this should clear up any misgivings you may have had regarding real food and especially dodgy dieting initiatives.

Remember, the purpose of life is to enjoy it, and enjoy it Big Time if you can afford it. Life is a journey, but I dare to add that it shouldn't be a journey to the ultimate end with the intention of arriving safely in a healthy attractive and well preserved body. - You could try if you have nothing more interesting to do. Chances are, you'd achieve neither. But if at all, may be a semi-healthy body is the nearest you'd manage. AND FOR WHAT?...
Anyway, life should rather be a journey that ends with you skidding in sideways - Chardonnay/Scotch in one hand - strawberries/Cigar in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - "WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

M'nash

Women - as explained by Engineers

2006-06-29T13:48:00.000-04:00

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Five germans in a Quattro

2006-06-23T13:44:00.000-04:00

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.
He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

The Perfect Husband

2006-06-09T16:42:00.000-04:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

CORPORATE LESSONS

2006-06-09T08:10:00.000-04:00

5 Important Business Concepts

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A Single Reverend offered a lift to a Good-looking Single Church lady. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a very well turned leg. The Reverend nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he slowly laid his hand on her leg. The church lady said, "Reverend, remember Psalm 129?" His hand quickly fell away. As the ride continued, so did the temptation until once more he laid his hand on her leg and once again the church lady said, "Reverend, remember Psalm 129?" The Reverend apologized "I am so sorry that my flesh is so weak." Arriving back at the church, the church lady went on her way. As quickly as he could the reverend rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the r abbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. Along came a fox, who jumped on he rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree From there he was able to reach a higher branch until finally he was perched on the top branch of the tree. He could see for miles! Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!